20/20 Hindsight

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Isn’t it amazing when you are able to look back on something and see it in perfect clarity versus when you are dealing with something difficult right in front of you and it’s clear as mud? 

We are packing to move and I was faced with a small shelf full of the journals I have kept since I was able to write. 

Even though I was reaching my limit for journeying memory lane for the day, since this room also holds all of my family photographs for my entire life and other sentimental mementos, I couldn’t resist thumbing through a couple of these journals as I piled them into yet another box to reach our new home. 

The first one I opened included my daily life during my senior year of college and first years of graduate school. I often remember this has a tumultuous time since it was full of growth, but I at times forget the details of those days…until I travel back there when reading my old journals.

The passages I read were full of pain, heartbreak, anger, some fun times, and big accomplishments. I usually write more when I’m low or angry, so happy passages are few because when I’m happy there is less to write and I’m too busy living to sit down and account for it. 

In these pages, I saw old patterns that I had over a decade ago that still exist in my life despite therapy, maturity, and meds. 

I heard my world described in my own voice, my past self, a version of me that has morphed into the me of 2017.  I wished I could go back in time and help her. Let her know she’s not alone in her struggles. That life gets better. Yes, tragedy will strike in years to come, but it’s nothing she can’t handle with the proper resources and the grace of God. 

If you could talk to your past self, what would you say? Would those words also apply to your life today? 

💜👩🏻‍🌾

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